Technobabble World

Technobabble World

Illustration by Dan Fahs

by Rob Balder

To the tune of “Top of the World,” performed by The Carpenters, written by Richard Carpenter and John Bettis

 

I can boost a sensor signal gain.
I can even fix a positronic brain.
I know a core from a coil,
From a phytophillic foil,
But I hate it when they ask me to explain.

I was never good at being clear.
So I thought I’d be a Starfleet engineer.
Now when they ask me what’s wrong,
I give them a dance and song,
And I tell them I can fix it in a year.

I’m on the top of a pylon lookin’
Down on the station
And the only explanation I can find,
Is that the tachyon tube
Needs a hyperstatic lube,
’Cause I’m, living in a technobabble world.

I was testing quantum gravity,
When I opened up a subspace cavity.
And then I let loose a gas
That turned half the crew to bass,
So I guess the captain’s pretty torqued at me.

I installed a plasmatropic node,
But I think it
caused a cascade overload.
And now the crew on seven decks
Has had a sudden change of sex,
But I bet it makes a darn good episode!

I’m on the top of a pylon lookin’
Down on the station
And the only explanation I can find,
Is that the warp unit fits,
But the coupling’s on the fritz,
’Cause I’m living in a technobabble world.

I’m on the top of a pylon lookin’
Down on the station
And the only explanation I can find,
Is that the conduit we used
Blew a monatomic fuse…

[pause]

I mean the sensor array
Caused our leptons to decay…

[pause]

No, the
electro-
phonic…
sink
Turned the pseudo…
dampers…
pink?

[pause, covering face]

They’re all just lousy machines,
I don’t know WHAT the hell it means!
I’m just living in a technobabble world.
Help!

 

New Boy Wonder

by Rob Balder

To to the tune of “Land Down Under,” performed by Men at Work, written by Colin Hey and Ron Stykert.

 

Met a man in a cape and cowl
He was
Six feet tall, dressed like an owl
He stood in the shadows
He made me nervous
He knew my parents from the circus
And he was

On the hunt for the new Boy Wonder
‘Cause…
There’s villains loose, and they plunder
Gotta find what rock they’re under
They better run, they better take cover

Gotham City was in a crime wave
So he
Took me back to see the Bat Cave
That gas he gave me made me sleepy
Guess I found the whole thing a little bit
Creepy
But okay

Guess I’ll be the new Boy Wonder
‘Cause…
There’s villains loose, and they plunder
Gotta find what rock they’re under
They better run, they better take cover

Now we show bad guys what we’re made of
But it’s
Really him they’re all afraid of
He cuts a figure
So dark and edgy
My costume just gives me a wedgie
But oh well

Look out, I’m the new Boy Wonder
‘Cause…
There’s villains loose, and they plunder
Gotta find what rock they’re under
They better run, they better take cover