Dear Cthulhu: Issue #20

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Dear Cthulhu,
I’ve had a very traumatic week. I just found out that my girlfriend of three years was just a figment of my imagination. I still don’t believe it. I mean I admit I was always suspicious when she never wanted to go out and I never met her parents but she met mine and a bunch of my friends.

My co-workers told me that all my pictures of the two of us together were PhotoShopped. Apparently they first became suspicious because “Monroe” looked just like Marilyn Monroe. Truthfully, it was one of the first things that attracted me to her. I, of course, defended our relationship and pointed out to one of my co-workers that her boyfriend looked like Marilyn Manson and I didn’t judge her or her goth ways. I swore the picture wasn’t touched up, that she was real. I even tried to prove it by calling her on my cell phone. When she picked up, I put her on speakerphone. All my co-workers claim all they heard was the listing of movies and times for the local theater. I started to listen to them. I admit that it did seem rather odd that all she talked about were movies. I needed another opinion so I called my ex. She looked like Raquel Welch. Oddly, when I called her, her number gave the weather. I asked my parents about the times we had dinner together. My mom told me that she had never met Monroe. She told me I had always had imaginary friends and just never grew out of it. She said she always humored me so I didn’t get upset. In fact she explained that she had never married and had always been a single mother. She got pregnant with me after a drunken binge at college. She told me my father never existed. Yet I remember him tucking me in, checking under my bed for monsters, playing catch with me. When I asked her how a figment of my imagination could throw a ball. Mom said I would go out in the backyard and throw the ball up on the roof and let it roll down and catch it.

Needless to say, my world was shaken. I called my friends and got a suicide hotline, a computer help line, and a number that took toaster registrations. I realized for the first time how odd it was that my childhood friends looked like Humphrey Bogart, John Wayne and Kermit the Frog. And my father looked like Homer Simpson.

My problem is figuring out if I am crazy or just have some odd-looking friends. And did I waste all that money over the years buying condoms? How do I figure it out?

–Possible Head of The Imagi-Nation

 

Dear Head,

Yours is a pitiful tale. Cthulhu is not a psychiatrist but it does appear that you do have some serious reality perception issues. It is very sad. Normally Cthulhu would encourage your delusions to have some fun with you, however there are those who consider Cthulhu himself a figment of fiction, of imagination and fantasy and that these columns are written by another pretending to be me. To them and you I say that reality is usually a harsh place and if these fantasies help you cope and give you some happiness, then do not toss them aside. However try to put the same amount of effort into connecting with real people. And always check the phone numbers you call with your mother or co-workers to make sure you are not calling for sports scores or a recipe hotline.

 

 

Dear Cthulhu,

I read your recent comment to the woman who was getting grief for breastfeeding her adult son in public. I too have problems breastfeeding in public, even though my daughter is an infant. My problem is I look very masculine and people call the police on me. I’ve been arrested three times as a sexual predator. I’m let go each time after the strip search, but still it is embarrassing. And I still have a court date and had to come up with twenty grand for bail because they wouldn’t accept the word of the officer who searched me.

Plus, my husband left me. Turns out he was really gay and just married me to have a beard to fool and please his parents. It’s hard enough being a single mother without all this going on. How can I stop this from happening to me?

–Manly Woman in Manchester

 

Dear Manly,

Yes. Stop breastfeeding in public. Use a breast pump, put the milk in a bottle and use that while you are out.

However you have suffered at the hands of others and the great thing about your country is that it gives anyone the ability to get revenge and inappropriately large sums of money by suing for real or imagined slights. You should file a civil rights lawsuit for sexual harassment and discrimination. I assume the officers who strip-searched you were male. Cthulhu has never been depraved enough to attend law school, however that alone should add a zero or two onto the end of your settlement. You can then use some of the money to visit a plastic surgeon to make you more feminine. And be sure to save some for your daughter when she grows up. Chances are she will resemble you and need the same surgical fix to make sure other children do not mistake her for a male.

Have A Dark Day.

 

 

Dear Cthulhu welcomes letters and questions at DearCthulhu@dearcthulhu.com. All letters become the property of Dear Cthulhu and may be used in future columns. Dear Cthulhu is a work of fiction and satire and is © and ™ Patrick Thomas. All rights reserved. Anyone foolish enough to follow the advice does so at their own peril.

 

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