Dear Cthulhu: Issue #21

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Dear Cthulhu,

I’ve read your last two columns dealing with breastfeeding issues with interest. Let me throw my problem into the mix. I am also getting extra scrutiny and grief for my breastfeeding which I think stems from my being male.

It all started five years ago when my son was born. My wife refused to breastfeed and made this decision while still pregnant. I argued with her that all the studies and anecdotal evidence pointed to the benefits of breastfeeding for physical, cognitive and emotional development. We kept fighting for a week until she finally screamed at me that if I wanted our child to be breastfed so badly that I should do the breastfeeding.

If was an off-handed comment made under the assumption that only women can breastfeed. It turns out it’s not true. A small number of men have been able to breastfeed by taking hormones. I decided to add myself to their number. My wife was more than a little taken aback. I said I wouldn’t if she would do it, but she stuck to her guns never believing I’d go through with it. But I did.

I breastfed our son and to be honest I thoroughly enjoyed it so I did the same for our twin daughters. My wife and I were fine with three kids so she had her tubes tied but I didn’t want to stop breastfeeding. I applied for a job with a rich family as a wet nurse. Apparently the wife paid big bucks for her breasts and felt she was too good to use them to feed her own kid.

I was told I got the job until I showed up and they found out I was a man. My name is Fran, so they assumed I was a female. I was fired on the spot.

I sued for sexual discrimination. They decided to settle out of court and as part of it gave me the job. They owned a dairy and just didn’t want the negative publicity.

Things worked out for a while. I was making double what I made at my full-time job. Then things got a little freaky and I did some thing I was embarrassed by, but got almost a half million in bonuses.

I figured that would be the end of it but it wasn’t. First, I should explain what I had to do to get the cash. “Mr. Dairyman” was a bit of a closet freak. Apparently he was never breastfed as an infant. He told me it was one of the reasons he paid for the missus’ breast enhancement. It was also one of the reasons he wanted a wet nurse, not so much for the kid but for him.

The first time he asked me to nurse him, I told him to go to hell. The second time he waved ten grand in my face and I relented. I mean, I managed to nurse twins and had plenty left over. I figured that one time would be the end of it, but it wasn’t. He kept coming back and each time waving more cash. Then his requests got weirder, but the money kept going up. I agreed to everything but the shaving of my chest. I mean a man should have chest hair, even if he works as a wet nurse. I felt cheap and used, but rich at the same time.

I didn’t tell anyone about it. I figured I’d wait it out and pocket everything I could and move on.

I didn’t count on a big-breasted maid who was mad at Dairyman because he had been carrying on with her and had been neglecting that affair to drink my “father’s milk.” She hid a camera and recorded one of our sessions in which Dairyman milked me like a cow into a bucket and then drank the bucket. Then he set up a bunch of shot glasses and squirted my father’s milk like he was using water pistols.

And, as sad as it is to say, that was one of our tamer sessions.

The problem is the maid posted the video on Itube. Dairyman hit the ceiling and his wife left him and took the kid, so I figured I’d be out of a job. Instead he tripled my salary to stay on. My wife doesn’t surf the net much, so she hasn’t seen the video yet. You can’t make out much of me except for my chest, but that would be enough for her to recognize me. Besides, how many breastfeeding men are there out there? I’m torn. I don’t feel it is cheating because we never had sex, but it looks bad. I’m not sure how I will explain it to her if she finds out, let alone how I’d explain going to work as a wet nurse in a house without a baby. The truth is she thinks I’m still working at the rock quarry.

It’s really got me bothered to the point where I’m considering stopping the hormones and letting my father’s milk dry up. There’s just no joy in nursing anymore. I need some guidance. What should I do?

–Breastfeeding Papa Playing Milking Games In Milwaukee

 

Dear Breastfeeding,

When faced with a problem like this, one needs to ask oneself is it worth it? From what you have written, it no longer is for you. I suggest you do stop the hormones and leave your job at Dairyman’s. You are richer than when you started so you can get by without a job for a while. (Although you fail to mention if you declared the income. Cthulhu suggests that if you do not have a foolproof way of not getting caught that you report it. Those people at the IRS scare even Cthulhu.)

You need to have the maid take the video off. There will still be copies up, but it reduces your risk somewhat. Since she is unlikely to be predisposed to help you, I suggest you offer to take her with you to the doctor who gave you the hormones and he could do the same for her. In fact, do it right and you might be able to get a nice severance package from Dairyman.

Have A Dark Day.

 

 

Dear Cthulhu welcomes letters and questions at DearCthulhu@dearcthulhu.com. All letters become the property of Dear Cthulhu and may be used in future columns. Dear Cthulhu is a work of fiction and satire and is © and ™ Patrick Thomas. All rights reserved. Anyone foolish enough to follow the advice does so at their own peril.

 

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