Dear Cthulhu: Issue #23

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Dear Cthulhu,

I am a Second Amendment advocate (I hate the term “gun nut”). I’ve been collecting guns ever since my father gave me my first rifle on my third birthday. I currently have over 300 rifles, shotguns and automatic weapons and another 150 handguns, both revolvers and automatics. I have more stored ammunition than the National Guard.

It’s more than just a hobby with me, it’s a fashion statement. My handgun collection comes in a number of styles and colors. I may carry concealed, but that’s no reason for my gun to clash with my outfit. I, of course, have all the necessary permits to carry concealed.

Then I realized that I had all this wonderful armament and, because I live alone, no one ever gets to see it. A few times I invited some friends over and showed off my collection, but they all got very nervous and made excuses to leave. Which is a shame, because I had bought a bunch of guns as lovely parting gifts. Their loss.

Then I met a few guys who were stationed in Afghanistan and had snuck some neat things out of the country. They sold me my very own rocket launcher. Cthulhu, you should see this baby. It is beyond awesome. It could take out a helicopter, plane or tractor-trailer. I had a neighbor who needed some land cleared and was gonna pay a lot of money to knock down some trees. I did it for free.

I love this thing more than I’ve loved any other object or person in my life. I sleep with it. I sit it in a chair at the table when I eat with a napkin tied around its neck. I even put up a special wall hook in the bathroom so I didn’t have to be apart from “Launchy” when I showered. The only time I was away from Launchy was when I worked. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was stupid to leave Launchy home just because I had a job. I mean lots of other people bring stuff to work like purses and cell phones. Why shouldn’t I be able to bring a rocket launcher?

So I did. Unfortunately, the principal of the school I work at as a second grade teacher objected and called the cops on me. I was arrested and they got a search warrant for my house. When they found my collection, they seized it and put me in jail without bail. And without Launchy.

It’s just not fair, I tell you. Now they think I’m a danger to the kids. Did anyone ask the kids? From what the rugrats told me, it was the greatest show and tell. Ever.

I have looked to the American Rifle Association for assistance, but even they are not willing to help me because I brought it to a school and it’s technically not a gun.

So, Cthulhu, tell me… do you feel taking rocket launchers to an elementary school is covered by the Second Amendment or not?

—Gun and Rocket Launcher Advocate in Albuquerque

 

Dear Gun Nut,

As a whole, Cthulhu is amused by the laws of human kind. My understanding is that the original intent of the Second Amendment was to prevent tyranny, using the logic that it would be easier to conquer people who could not shoot back. Nothing in there gives you the right to bring a weapon to show and tell.

As far as the stockpiling of weapons goes, Cthulhu has no objections to small arms as I am impervious to them. Cthulhu is not fond of nuclear weapons. Not only can they give me a bad sunburn, but they poison the planet I will one day rule or destroy, not to mention kill off the people which are fated to serve me and serve as my source of food and amusement. So I do not care about you having the weapons you mentioned so long as you do not use them on other humans, which are by rights mine.

It appears that you have lost touch with the reality that most of your fellow humans share. There have been a number of senseless gun-related tragedies, several involving children in schools. Bringing any kind of weapon to school violates not only the school district’s likely zero-tolerance weapons policy, but common sense as well. Children are humanity’s future and my future subjects and as such should be protected.

It does appear to Cthulhu as though you had no plans to actually use the weapon. However most other people would not realize that. You were fortunate to be taken alive, all things considered.

Instead of bringing the weapon to work, you should have opened up a gun museum and put the pieces on display. That way fellow gun nuts could come admire your hardware without any perceived threat of injury to others. A pity you didn’t write to Cthulhu before show and tell. It seems likely that you will be convicted and convicted felons are typically banned from owning firearms and it would most certainly be a condition of any parole. You will have to take up a new hobby. Have you considered taxidermy, cockroach racing or stamp collecting? Maybe trying to get a complete collection of every Dear Cthulhu column and book ever published will help fill the void.

Have A Dark Day.

 

 

Dear Cthulhu welcomes letters and questions at DearCthulhu@dearcthulhu.com. All letters become the property of Dear Cthulhu and may be used in future columns. Dear Cthulhu is a work of fiction and satire and is © and ™ Patrick Thomas. All rights reserved. Anyone foolish enough to follow the advice does so at their own peril. For more Dear Cthulhu get the collections Cthulhu Knows Best; Dear Cthulhu: Have A Dark Day; and Dear Cthulhu: Good Advice For Bad People from Dark Quest Books.

 

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