Fifty Ways to Leave Your Planet

by Rob Balder

To the tune of “Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover,” written and performed by Paul Simon.

 

She crossed her tentacles and swung her eyes to me.
The answer’s easy if you take it logically.
I’d like to help you in your struggle to be free.
There must be fifty ways to leave your planet.

She said it’s really not our habit to intrude.
We couldn’t help it; you’re a fascinating brood.
Why do you sit here burning oxygen and food?
There must be fifty ways to leave your planet.

Fifty ways to leave your planet.

Use chemical thrust, Gus.
Make a big ram, Sam.
Just hop on a sail, Dale.
Listen to me.

Start usin’ your brain, Blaine,
Manufacture a spaceplane!
Make an ion jet, Brett.
Get yourself free.

Just ride up a thread, Fred.
Use an orbital sling, Bing.
Get a microwave boost, Bruce.
Listen to me.

Go build a big gun, son,
We know you can make one!
Just superconduct, Buck.
Get yourself free.

You don’t need hyperspace, don’t need a warp nacelle.
Within your reach are many methods to propel
The human race beyond your gravitation well.
There must be fifty ways to leave your planet.

She said why don’t we both just sleep on it tonight
And I believe in the morning you’ll begin to see the light,
And then she probed me… but I realized she probably was right.
There must be fifty ways to leave your planet.

Fifty ways to leave your planet.

Use chemical thrust, Gus.
Make a big ram, Sam.
Just hop on a sail, Dale.
Listen to me.

Start usin’ your brain, Blaine,
Manufacture a spaceplane!
Make an ion jet, Brett.
Get yourself free.

Just ride up a thread, Fred.
Use an orbital sling, Bing.
Get a microwave boost, Bruce.
Listen to me.

Go build a big gun, son,
We know you can make one!
Just superconduct, Buck.
Get yourself free.

50 Ways to Leave Your Planet

Illustration by J. Andrew World

 

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