Mr. W.

Mr. W.

Illustration by J. Andrew World

by Rand Bellavia and Adam English


Captain’s on a holiday
First Mate has gone away
And Data’s down in engineering for repairs
Dr. Crusher’s got a cold
Wesley’s only twelve years old
And all the other children are mind controlled

Who will lead the crew? What are we to do
When the enemy ship comes into view?
When the pressure’s on who will take the con?

Geordi’s visor’s on the blink
Deanna Troi is on the brink
O’Brien’s been reassigned to Deep Space Nine
Barclay’s on the Holodeck
Tasha’s dead and Ro’s a wreck
Garibaldi’s not on Star Trek

Who will lead the crew? What are we to do
When the enemy ship comes into view?
Who’s to be obeyed when the Borg invade?
This is just what I was afraid of

Mr. Worf comes through
Mr. Worf will lead the crew
Mr. Worf’s our man
Mr. Worf will take command

I was hoping for someone else and I’m not just thinking about myself
I’m afraid for all our lives if Worf’s in charge of the Enterprise
We wouldn’t care: if Data’s cat was in power we’d follow her
If we received our orders from Nurse Ogawa we’d say,
“Yes, sir!”

Weren’t you the one who pointed your gun
At the viewscreen and you tried to stun
The grinning image of Q, what were you trying to do?
I seem to remember that was you

Mr. Worf don’t get mad
You’re the best Klingon we’ve ever had
But Mr. Worf you must see
We need a different kind of security

We’re glad you’re strong and brave
But we’d prefer a captain who fears the grave
Our standards aren’t that high
We only ask that we not die

“I am a Klingon, and in my point of view
It would be dishonorable to cower like the rest of you
I have the ridges of a warrior, I do not fear death
I deposed the House of Duras with a flourish of my Batleth
Star Fleet’s only Klingon, I’m a full Lieutenant Commander
I’ve got two dead wives and a son named Alexander
No matter what I am equal to the test, I’ll kill them before I maim the rest
So be it Romulan Warbird or a cargo freighter, I’ll fire phasers first and ask questions later”