I wrote to you recently regarding the troubles my wife and I were having getting pregnant and our difficulty adopting kids due to our lack of funds. When last I wrote, I was in jail on prostitution and trumped-up baby trafficking charges because I asked prostitutes to let us adopt their children should they ever become pregnant.
I admit I didn’t take your advice to plead guilty to the solicitation charge to get a slap on the wrist and go home. I come from a religious family where such a thing would be very shameful, even if it wasn’t true.
Luckily, all the charges were dropped thanks to a good judge. Turns out the cops who did the sting had recorded the whole thing. They hadn’t introduced the video as evidence, relying on the undercover officer’s testimony. My public defender was too stupid to ask to see the recording.
As luck would have it, I was arraigned right after another gentleman was caught in the same sting. They used a video showing that he had requested not only the services of three prostitutes, but a goat, a vacuum cleaner, and an inflatable teddy bear.
The judge asked if my arrest was from the same sting operation and then asked my lawyer if he had seen the video. He admitted he hadn’t, so the recording was played. It clearly showed that I was telling the truth and although I did pay the prostitutes, it was only so I could speak to them about adoptions. Luckily, paying people to talk to you isn’t illegal and all the charges were dropped. Unfortunately, one of the reporters in the courtroom wrote a feature about me in the paper that my wife read. I hadn’t told her about the arrest or who I was speaking to about adoption. At first she didn’t believe me when I told her I hadn’t been with any of those women. After I finally convinced her with a transcript of the court hearings, I dove in head first and mentioned your advice about me having an affair in order to impregnate another woman. My wife slapped me across the face, then moved back home with her mother.
My wife is the love of my life and her leaving hit me hard. And her slap did too. I started drinking heavily. One night while I was extremely drunk, I started trolling the Internet for a way to adopt a baby that wouldn’t cost as much as a small house, which was far more money than we had.
Then an online miracle happened. I found an adoption site that was totally and absolutely free. Admittedly, there was a lot of alcohol in my system and the screen was not only blurry, but there appeared to be two of them, but I wasn’t one to look a gift horse in the mouth. I filled out the form and was instantly approved for the adoption. They even emailed me a certificate.
Even though it was two in the morning, I drunk dialed my wife and told her the news. She was so excited and happy, that she came right home and we made mad passionate love.
The next morning I overslept for work and had to leave without taking a shower or eating breakfast, but I made it to work on time. I didn’t have a chance to check my email for the adoption papers until lunchtime. It was then I realized my mistake.
I hadn’t signed up to adopt a child. I hadn’t signed up to adopt a dog or cat either. Instead, I managed to adopt a one-mile section of highway near our house.
I called my wife to try and explain my mistake, but before I could say anything she started telling me about how she had told her entire family, friends, and everybody in town that we’re going to be parents.
If I tell her the truth, I know I’m going to lose her and be a laughingstock. But if I don’t tell her, she’ll figure it out when no baby arrives. Should I kidnap a child? I could drive several hours away.
I know you mentioned that you managed to get a woman to let you adopt her baby. Do you think you can help a guy out and hook me up? Please? Or even let me adopt that baby from you. I’d be eternally grateful.
—Even More Paternally Perturbed Man In Manitoba
Letting you adopt him is no longer an option. Sadly, my adopted son—who incidentally I named Delicious—is no longer with us, although he lingered with me for days. It was a painful loss, mainly because Delicious gave me such heartburn. And Cthulhu has not gotten any letters recently from people trying to get rid of their unwanted or tasty children. Although that in and of itself is an oddity. As I mentioned to you in my response to your previous letter, human parenting is a thankless and heartbreaking task. Every few months I get a letter from a parent wanting to get rid of their children in some way, shape, or form. Amazingly, few are actually willing to go through with it in the end, some out of misguided love and others from a fear that the authorities might prosecute them.
I do not recommend kidnapping a child. Fifty years ago it may have worked, but today in the information age, any missing child will have an Amber alert issued and anyone with a new baby will eventually meet someone who starts asking questions and is intelligent and nosy enough to call a tip line. After a quick round of genetic testing, there will be no doubt as to your crime.
I do not believe you will be able to procure a baby in time to placate your wife and adopting a pet will not be the same, especially for a human female who feels motherhood is passing her by.
Cthulhu reiterates that your best bet for a child is to impregnate another woman, then sue for joint custody.
Barring that, go out and purchase one of those It’s a Boy signs with a stork on it and put it out on your stretch of highway and bring your wife by and explain what happened. Perhaps she will have a sense of humor about it. Or, more likely, file for divorce. Of course, that will leave you unencumbered to go out and try to impregnate other women. And if you are successful in gaining custody, you can use the child as a lure to re-kindle your romance with your wife. Or perhaps you will find you enjoy the new and fertile female more than your barren and unsupportive one.
Have A Dark Day
Dear Cthulhu welcomes letters and questions at DearCthulhu@dearcthulhu.com. All letters become the property of Dear Cthulhu and may be used in future columns. Dear Cthulhu is a work of fiction and satire and is © and ™ Patrick Thomas. All rights reserved. Anyone foolish enough to follow the advice does so at their own peril. For more Dear Cthulhu get the collections Cthulhu Knows Best; Dear Cthulhu: Have A Dark Day; and Dear Cthulhu: Good Advice For Bad People from Dark Quest Books.