Mr. W.

Mr. W.

Illustration by J. Andrew World

by Rand Bellavia and Adam English

 

Captain’s on a holiday
First Mate has gone away
And Data’s down in engineering for repairs
Dr. Crusher’s got a cold
Wesley’s only twelve years old
And all the other children are mind controlled

Who will lead the crew? What are we to do
When the enemy ship comes into view?
When the pressure’s on who will take the con?

Geordi’s visor’s on the blink
Deanna Troi is on the brink
O’Brien’s been reassigned to Deep Space Nine
Barclay’s on the Holodeck
Tasha’s dead and Ro’s a wreck
Garibaldi’s not on Star Trek

Who will lead the crew? What are we to do
When the enemy ship comes into view?
Who’s to be obeyed when the Borg invade?
This is just what I was afraid of

Mr. Worf comes through
Mr. Worf will lead the crew
Mr. Worf’s our man
Mr. Worf will take command

I was hoping for someone else and I’m not just thinking about myself
I’m afraid for all our lives if Worf’s in charge of the Enterprise
We wouldn’t care: if Data’s cat was in power we’d follow her
If we received our orders from Nurse Ogawa we’d say,
“Yes, sir!”

Weren’t you the one who pointed your gun
At the viewscreen and you tried to stun
The grinning image of Q, what were you trying to do?
I seem to remember that was you

Mr. Worf don’t get mad
You’re the best Klingon we’ve ever had
But Mr. Worf you must see
We need a different kind of security

We’re glad you’re strong and brave
But we’d prefer a captain who fears the grave
Our standards aren’t that high
We only ask that we not die

[Rapping]
“I am a Klingon, and in my point of view
It would be dishonorable to cower like the rest of you
I have the ridges of a warrior, I do not fear death
I deposed the House of Duras with a flourish of my Batleth
Star Fleet’s only Klingon, I’m a full Lieutenant Commander
I’ve got two dead wives and a son named Alexander
No matter what I am equal to the test, I’ll kill them before I maim the rest
So be it Romulan Warbird or a cargo freighter, I’ll fire phasers first and ask questions later”

 

Captain’s Song

by J.W. Liotta

To the tune of “I’m Too Sexy,” performed by Right Said Fred, written by Fred Fairbrass, Richard Fairbrass, and Rob Manzoni.

 

I’m too sexy for my ship, too sexy for my ship.
Isn’t that a pip?

I’m too sexy for my mate, too sexy for my mate.
“Number One” don’t rate!

Chorus A:
I’m a captain, y’know what I mean?
And I give out my orders on the ship’s bridge.
On the ship’s bridge, on the ship’s bridge.
I give out my orders on the ship’s bridge.

I’m too sexy for my suit, too sexy for my suit.
Isn’t that a hoot?

I’m too sexy for my chair, too sexy for my chair.
With or without hair!

(Repeat Chorus A)

I’m too sexy for my crew, too sexy for my crew.
What can you do?

I’m too sexy for Star Fleet, too sexy for Star Fleet.
Isn’t that just neat?

Chorus B:
I’m a captain, y’know what I mean?
And I shake my l’il tush in the “big chair.”
On the ship’s bridge, on the ship’s bridge.
I shake my l’il tush in the “big chair.”

I’m too sexy for this song…

Captain's Song

Illustration by J. Andrew World

 

Come Out and Play (Federation Style)

Come Out and Play

Illustration by Michael D. Pederson

by Rob Balder

To the tune of “Come Out and Play,” performed by The Offspring, written by Dexter Holland

 

(Spoken words in italics)
[Long musical intro]

I wrote this filk for a group of men and women who just
don’t seem to get the amount of respect they deserve.

They’re out there every day, putting their lives on the line,
exploring strange new worlds that try to kill them, seeking
out new life that tries to kill them, and new civilizations
that try to kill them, but they really have an image problem.
I think a tough new theme song is just the thing to help them
shake that wimpy image. This is for Starfleet.

By the time you see em decloak,
It’s already too late.
Got a main hull breach, decks seven and eight.
Yer shields are dead, you can’t compensate.

A crack-shot crew, we’re a long way from home.
Get an itchy trigger finger when you’re out here alone.
Shoot anything that moves in the Neutral Zone.
You gotta light it up, light it up, light it up, light it up HEY!

Man, the Romulans encroach, you take em out.
You gotta keep em Federated.
You see something weird approach, take it out.
You gotta keep em Federated.
HEY! In our Galaxy Class,
We can’t quit now, cause we’re kickin too much ass.
Hey HEY! Come out and PLAY.

[Musical bridge, do Vulcan hand jive]
Let’s see a little of this. Yeah, for the Vulcans in da house.

We met the Borg Collective,
At Wolf 3-5-9.
We had our Prime Directive.
Made an exception this time. [cap-in-their-ass gesture]
The warp core’s hot, so we’ll lay in a course.
With tech like this, who the hell needs The Force?
I’m married to my ship, but she wants a divorce.
You gotta beam me up, Chief. Beam me up. Beam me up, Chief! HEY!

Get the sensors back online, check it out.
You gotta keep em Federated.
Now we’re goin back in time, check it out.
You gotta keep em Federated.
HEY! In our Galaxy Class,
We can’t quit now, cause we’re kickin too much ass.
Hey HEY! Come out and PLAY.

[Musical bridge. More Vulcan hand jive.]

Okay one more time. Put your hands in the air.
Like it would be illogical to care.

We’ll fire all guns and we’ll have us some fun
On the N-C-C-1-7-0-1,
Cause you can’t get the chicks when your phaser’s on stun
You gotta shoot-it-up! Shoot! Shoot-it-up, shoot-it-all-up, HEY!

When the Klingons go berserk, you take em out.
You gotta keep em Federated.
Hey, did I hear a red alert? Take em out.
You gotta keep em Federated!
Hey HEY! You can’t deny,
The captain ain’t whack, he’s pretty fly for a bald guy.
Hey HEY! Come out and PLAY!

Make it so, yo.

 

Technobabble World

Technobabble World

Illustration by Dan Fahs

by Rob Balder

To the tune of “Top of the World,” performed by The Carpenters, written by Richard Carpenter and John Bettis

 

I can boost a sensor signal gain.
I can even fix a positronic brain.
I know a core from a coil,
From a phytophillic foil,
But I hate it when they ask me to explain.

I was never good at being clear.
So I thought I’d be a Starfleet engineer.
Now when they ask me what’s wrong,
I give them a dance and song,
And I tell them I can fix it in a year.

I’m on the top of a pylon lookin’
Down on the station
And the only explanation I can find,
Is that the tachyon tube
Needs a hyperstatic lube,
’Cause I’m, living in a technobabble world.

I was testing quantum gravity,
When I opened up a subspace cavity.
And then I let loose a gas
That turned half the crew to bass,
So I guess the captain’s pretty torqued at me.

I installed a plasmatropic node,
But I think it
caused a cascade overload.
And now the crew on seven decks
Has had a sudden change of sex,
But I bet it makes a darn good episode!

I’m on the top of a pylon lookin’
Down on the station
And the only explanation I can find,
Is that the warp unit fits,
But the coupling’s on the fritz,
’Cause I’m living in a technobabble world.

I’m on the top of a pylon lookin’
Down on the station
And the only explanation I can find,
Is that the conduit we used
Blew a monatomic fuse…

[pause]

I mean the sensor array
Caused our leptons to decay…

[pause]

No, the
electro-
phonic…
sink
Turned the pseudo…
dampers…
pink?

[pause, covering face]

They’re all just lousy machines,
I don’t know WHAT the hell it means!
I’m just living in a technobabble world.
Help!