Sympathy For George Lucas

by Rob Balder

To the tune of “Sympathy for the Devil,” performed by The Rolling Stones, written by Mick Jagger and Keith Richards.

 

Please allow me to introduce myself,
I’m the man behind the scenes.
I brought the greatest science fiction film of all time
To the silver screen.
I was around when farmboy Luke
Met the Death Star, and got away.
Made damn sure that pilot
Used the Force, and saved the day.

Pleased to meet you. Hope you guess my name.
But what’s puzzlin’ you is why the prequels were so lame.

I thought up Jedis and light sabres,
I gave you Wookiees. I brought you droids.
You spent your teens on my Tattooine,
So you can’t be too annoyed.
If I’m the guy who made Artoo fly,
So much CGI that you want to cry.
I’m just a man doin’ the best I can
To make some movies, and sell some toys.

Pleased to meet you. Hope you guess my name.
But what’s puzzlin’ you is why the prequels were so lame.
You know this tale is your Holy Grail.
You know every line, every small detail.
It wasn’t I who set the bar too high
That when it came out, it couldn’t fail to fail.
But I watched with glee while you nerds and geeks
Stood in line for weeks for your preview sneaks.
You shouted out, “Who killed the Trilogy?”
When after all, it was Jar-Jar Binks.

Pleased to meet you. Hope you guess my name.
Is it still puzzlin’ you is why the prequels were so lame?
Let me explain.

Just as every dope is a prodigy,
As every Bard’s a hack,
As genius fails, just call me “Lucasfilm,”
Cause I’m in need of one good smack.
So if ya meet me, have some courtesy,
Shut yer pie hole, and get in line.
Buy all my well-planned merchandise,
Or I’ll make VII, VIII and IX.

I’ll do it, too.
Woo hoo! Woo hoo! Woo hoo!
Now tell me Jar-Jar, what’s my name?
Tell me Windu, what’s my name?
Amidala, what’s my name?
I’ll tell ya one time: you’re to blame.

Sympathy for George Lucas

Illustration by J. Andrew World

 

Cloned for War

Cloned for War

Illustration by J. Andrew World

by Michael D. Pederson

To the tune of “Born to Run,” written and performed by Bruce Springsteen.

 

In the day we sweat it out in the gyms of a renegade Republic planet
At night we are prematurely aged, at a rate of two-to-one
Sprung from creches on Kamino Prime
Plasteel, egg-shell armored
And steppin’ off the assembly line
(Ohhh!)
Baby, these clowns buy their clones off the rack
A half-price sale, it’s a plan to fail
They’re gonna go on making more
’Cause troops like us, baby we were cloned for war
(Yes, boy we were)

Jango Fett came in, donated chromosomes
He took a clone to raise and trained him
Just close your mind to the ethics, man,
And plant your ass on my Xerox
Genetics says we can break this cell
Split the nucleus, assemble the proteins back
(Ohhh!)
’Till we’re all the same as our “Father”
Yeah baby, I’m just a pawn and cannon fodder
But I want to know why we feel
’Cause I know my death is certain
Yeah, I know for sure my death is real
(Oh, can you save me?)

In the Outer Rim heavy powered drones scream through the atmosphere
Word comes down from the Jedi Council
And the clones are moved en masse
The transport shuttle comes in cold and fast
Troops are loaded on a ship in the night
I’m gonna die somewhere distant on a desert world
In an everlasting fight
(Hah!)

(1-2-3-4!)
The junkyard’s filled with battle droids, they’re the last wave that got fried
Everybody’s out on the front tonight
But there’s no place left to hide
Together we’ll all be killed in the battle
Just a herd of walking cattle in white suits
Someday soon, I don’t know when
I’m gonna get that order
That will finally send me in
And I’ll die in the fore
But ’till then, troops like us
Baby we were cloned for war

Awww buddy, troops like us
Baby we were cloned for war

 

Haikus

by Catherine Harding

 

Renaissance Haiku
The globe expanded
An end to serfdom nears? Still
Turnips ’tween my toes

Star Wars Haiku I
Obi-Wan’s pupil
He is Yoda’s problem now
Whine whine whine whine whine

Gamer’s Haiku I
Dragons suck my spleen
Stuck in twenty-sided hell
I burn the damn dice

Pokemon Haiku
Long forest journey
No battles won, stomach growls
Roast my Pikachu

Dune (the David Lynch Movie) Haiku
Expectations crushed
I will kill him, I will kill
Fight to stay awake

Japornimation Haiku
Sex with young school girls
Phallic vines explode to rape
What the hell is this?